If we’re honest, most of us have an uneasy relationship with aggression.
We’ve been taught to associate it with violence, rage, or disruption. But what if aggression isn’t just about fists or shouting? What if it’s also about silence, gossip, and smiles that don’t reach the eyes?
That question resurfaced for me recently in a conversation about boundaries, and I haven’t been able to let it go. It brought me back to a distinction I once heard:
Men tend to express aggression physically; women tend to express it socially.
And when I looked around—at conversations in families, workplaces, friend groups—it made sense.
🜃 Why I Chose to Publish This on May 28th
I chose to release this blog on May 28th, 2025, under the waning Moon in Pisces—a time that invites us to reflect on deep emotional patterns and hidden motivations. Pisces energy supports compassion, intuition, and the gentle unveiling of truths we often keep submerged. With Mercury in Taurus harmonising with Saturn, it’s also an ideal day for communicating grounded, thoughtful insights. This astrological moment aligns perfectly with the theme of this post: bringing awareness to the subtle, often unconscious ways aggression manifests in our lives, and how we can navigate it with wisdom and care.
Two Faces of the Same Force
Aggression is part of being human. It’s how we assert needs, protect what matters, and respond when we feel threatened. But the way we express it differs—often along gendered lines, and even more often in subtle, socially learned ways.
Psychologists usually describe two primary forms of aggression:
- Direct (overt) aggression: yelling, hitting, threatening—what we commonly associate with “being aggressive.”
- Indirect (relational) aggression: gossiping, excluding, undermining—what we often fail to see as aggression at all.
They’re driven by the same instinct: to protect, to assert, to control. But they take different roads to get there.
Male Aggression: Direct, Visible, and Punishable
Men—conditioned from early on to assert themselves physically—tend to engage in more overt forms of aggression. That doesn’t mean all men are violent, but it does mean they are more likely to deal with conflict through confrontation.
This kind of behaviour is easier to recognise. And because it’s visible, it’s more likely to be punished, discussed, or redirected. Schools, courts, and workplaces all have language and policies to deal with physical or verbal aggression.
But here’s the irony: because it’s “louder,” male aggression often gets addressed more quickly.
Female Aggression: Quiet, Strategic, and Often Overlooked
Female aggression doesn’t usually show up as a slap or a scream.
It’s often subtler—and arguably, more complex.
It can sound like:
- “I just think people should know what she’s really like.”
- “Oh no, don’t worry about inviting her this time.”
- A well-placed pause. An icy silence. A smile that isolates instead of welcomes.
These are tools of relational aggression: methods of control that operate through group dynamics, reputation, and social influence.
They’re not less harmful. But they’re harder to prove—and easier to deny.
Why This Matters
Aggression doesn’t disappear just because we suppress it.
When it’s not expressed directly, it tends to show up sideways:
through sarcasm, procrastination, sabotage, and resentment.
For men, this might look like sudden outbursts or burnout from bottling everything up.
For women, it might look like controlling behaviour masked as care, or exclusion masked as self-protection.
We all have shadows. Aggression is part of that. But if we want healthier relationships, we have to become aware of how this force shows up in us—and how we respond when it does.
The Cost of Not Seeing It
What makes relational aggression so dangerous is that it doesn’t look like harm.
There’s no bruise. No evidence. No “incident.” Just a slow, steady erosion of safety, inclusion, or trust.
I’ve seen brilliant people lose confidence because of these invisible tactics.
I’ve seen children shut down emotionally after months of playground exclusion.
I’ve seen adults dread social gatherings because of someone’s “vibe.”
We need to get better at naming this.
Not to shame anyone, but to invite more self-awareness and accountability.
What Helps
- Emotional literacy: Teach children (and ourselves) to name difficult emotions like jealousy, fear, or frustration—before they turn into sabotage.
- Direct communication: It’s okay to say, “That hurt me.” It’s okay to ask, “What’s going on?”
- Boundary work: You can withdraw from unhealthy dynamics, but that’s different from punishing others with silence or gossip.
- Self-reflection: Ask yourself, When I feel unsafe or excluded, how do I act?
- Compassionate accountability: When we mess up—and we all do—owning it matters more than defending it.
A Final Note on Timing
This is a tender topic. And with the Moon waning and Mercury still recovering from its recent retrograde, this might be a good time to quietly observe your own patterns before taking bold action. Sometimes, timing matters. Not everything has to be fixed today.
But everything can be seen—and that’s where healing begins.
